Any notion of creating a publication that people might actually enjoy reading is about to be crushed under the leaden weight or corporatespeak and casual ignorance…
We’ll start with the font. It was chosen for point-of-sale material and brochures so it doesn’t work in the appropriate point size for a magazine. It’s ugly, hard to read and space inefficient. But this doesn’t matter because it reinforces the brand.

Then the logo, which, as all the marketing executives around the table agree, is ‘a crucial tool in our brand reinforcement programme, going forward’. It must be used as big as possible, as often as possible. After all, the company paid the ad agency a banker’s bonus for it so they might as well get their money’s worth.

Product names must always be written out in full. Abbreviating the Noggin Wotsit Gizmo ZB-32 to the Wotsit in body copy is simply not acceptable. Interminable meetings will be convened to discuss whether the product name should also be highlighted in bold wherever mentioned and whether to add a superscript TM. (The company reserves the right to change its mind about this on several occasions, especially at proof stage.)

Products must also be qualified with at least one of the following adjectives: groundbreaking, game-changing, market-leading, paradigm-shifting, best-selling, unsurpassed, unequalled, classic.

All job titles should be capped up and written in full at all times. Crispin Farquhar is not a sales executive. He’s the Acting Deputy Assistant Area Sales Manager (North-West Region).
The magazine must start with an intro from the boss; sorry, the Chief Executive Officer. He will be photographed sitting at a (large) desk, holding a pen and a glazed expression that the custodians of the brand fondly imagine to convey the smack of strong leadership with a sense of corporate responsibility. The headline will be Welcome Aboard! The exclamation mark is compulsory.

All humour and wit will be ruthlessly expunged from copy in favour of relentless brand reinforcement and overt sales messages. The publication’s tone of voice will blend desiccated dullness with nauseating sycophancy and a complete disregard for the reader.

You sit in these meetings and try to explain that this approach is counter-productive, that you don’t reinforce the brand by producing an unreadable magazine. But they’re on-message and you aren’t, and they are the client and, by definition, always right.